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Basic Description

The Great Gay Hat of Darkness, otherwise known as the GGHoD or less formally known as "The Prophecy Cap", is an extra-galactic relic from the distant galaxy of NGC 1277 that coincidentally takes the exact appearance and physical makeup of an ordinary, black Ascot Cap made in Ireland.

Origin and Discovery

The Hat was forged inside the supermassive black hole at the center of the NGC 1277 galaxy approximately 220 million light years from Earth after a neutron star as dense as TrueEmpiricism fell into it. The resulting artifact from this collision was a small, round, hat-like object 20 centimeters across. Inside this astronomical orgy, the hat was so incredibly unstable that it was immediately flung out of the clusterfuck in the direction of the Milky Way galaxy at a velocity similar to how fast G Man spouts bullshit on his YouTube channel.

Many years later, the "hat" entered the Sol star system in the Milky Way and was on a direct collision course for the third planet orbiting the star; a planet known as: Earth. It entered the atmosphere of the ocean-forest world on the 15th of February 2013, flying over many different Russian villages before slamming into the snow-covered ground near Lake Chebarkul. According to eyewitnesses, this object was a bright ball coming in quickly before shining incredibly brightly and then fading away into the horizon. Scientists assumed this was due to the "asteroid" exploding in the sky, but it was actually due to the Hat giving off a single pulse of extra-galactic energy before coming in for landing completely unharmed.

The Great Gay Hat of Darkness Entering The Earth's Atmosphere and Releasing a Pulse of Energy

The Great Gay Hat of Darkness Entering The Earth's Atmosphere and Releasing a Pulse of Energy

The hat was found by the Russian government military only hours after touchdown. They took it back to Moscow and showed it to Vladimir Putin himself for examination. The following is the actual transcript of the conversation between the soldiers and the president of Russia in regards to the hat.

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Soldier 1:

"Gospodin Prezident, my nashli etu strannuyu irlandskuyu shlyapu u ozera Chebarkul'."

(Mister President, we found this odd Irish hat near the lake of Chebarkul.)

Putin:

"Eh?"

(Eh?)

Solider 2:

"To, chto moy kusok soldata-soldata pytayetsya skazat', sostoit v tom, chto eta shlyapa, kazalos', razorvala nedavniy meteor vozle ozera Chebarkul'. Tem ne meneye, nekotoryye dazhe govoryat, chto eta shlyapa - eto original'nyy meteor."

(What my cuck of a fellow soldier is trying to say is that this hat appeared to break off the recent meteor near Lake Chebarkul. However, some are even saying that this hat is the original meteor itself.)

Putin:

"Cyka Blyat! Eto mozhet byt' kakoye-to amerikanskoye shpionskoye ustroystvo! Polozhite yego v samolet, proletete nad amerikoy i izbav'tes' ot neschastnoy veshchi! YA ne zabochus' o tom, gde, prosto sdelay eto!"

(Whore bitch! This might be some kind of American, Obama, Capitalist spy device! Put it in a plane, fly it over America and get rid of the wretched thing! I don't care where, just do it!)

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After this, a Russian jet pilot was dispatched from the motherland to "return" the fashion accessory to America. The plane decided to dispose of the hat in central Florida; opening the bomb-bay doors and letting the hat to fall to the ground. The jet then made a 3-Point-Turn and quickly flew back to Moscow.

The hat sat in the deep forests of Florida for approximately 6 days before it was picked up by a Skylar Fiction taking an afternoon jog. He examined it, found it to be of his taste, and took it home with him.

Over 2 years passed and Skylar Fiction was still in possession of the most powerful object ever discovered in the history of mankind. On the 31st of October 2015, Pew Review came to Skylar's house because he claimed to need Trick-Or-Treat confectioneries, but in reality he came to the mans residence in order to steal the extra-terrestial ascot cap as he was in need of a familiar icon for his recently created YouTube channel.

Skylar happily allowed Pew to come into his house and go to the back and grab some extra candy, but Pew immediately clobbered him in the face, knocking him out. Then, he ran downstairs to the basement, cranked open the steel vault with a crowbar, grabbed the sought-after relic and quickly departed the building.

All of this is absolutely CANON, and is not to be questioned whatsoever under penalty of death.

Abilities

The GGHoD is widely considered to be The Most Powerful Artifact in the Universe. When worn by a sentient lifeform, it allows them to:

  • Withstand the stupidity of all members of the CCP.
  • Survive the deadly onslaught of dank memes while on the internet.
  • Prevent existential crises from the horrors of Georgia.
  • Endure virtually any kind of physical impact that would normally mean certain death; be it direct Gamma-Ray-Burst exposure, highly radioactive solar flares, or getting punched in the balls by Hana Zubby.

Current Location

Pop'n a squat on Pew Review's lithic head.

Sentience?

It is debatable whether or not the GGHoD is a sentient lifeform itself. Many have argued that the fact that the Hat came to Earth of all the planets in the Milky Way is a sign that the Hat has some sort of free will, and it knew that it's existence would be put to use on a planet with life so it came here.

Destiny

To destroy the Sith and bring balance to the Force... or something like that.